When people leave their abusive environments, they’re often too busy surviving to process their trauma. Today we speak with Tamu Lane, CEO of Healing Wounds, about restorative healing — a process of learning self-love, and self-forgiveness. After sharing her story and introducing the concept of restorative healing, we dive into the challenges that arise from not processing your trauma. As Tamu explains, survivors can pick up negative behaviors that can range from suicidal tendencies to substance abuse. Instead of just surviving, Tamu opens up about how survivors can begin their journey to thriving. She then highlights the need for patience and that everyone’s journey is different. We ask Tamu about her work helping survivors who are still living with their abusers and she talks about building survivors’ sense of self-love. We explore how people end up in abusive relationships and then debunk the myth that it’s only people with low self-esteem that end up in these situations. We look at how abusers are often charming and how they slowly, imperceptibly, beat down their partners sense of self-worth. Tamu reflects on the stigma that surrounds being a survivor and how this stigma often silences survivors. As people land up in complex situations, we discuss some of the numerous reasons that survivors “don’t just leave.” At the end of the episode, Tamu shares a powerful and simple message. Tune in to hear more about the journey to restorative health.
'Tamu Lane LinkedIn
Harambe Phone Number — 609-225-6936
Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-TALK
Domestic Violence Hotline— 1-800-799-7233
Harambe Social Service on Facebook
When people leave their abusive environments, they’re often too busy surviving to process their trauma. Today we speak with Tamu Lane, CEO of Healing Wounds, about restorative healing — a process of learning self-love, and self-forgiveness. After sharing her story and introducing the concept of restorative healing, we dive into the challenges that arise from not processing your trauma. As Tamu explains, survivors can pick up negative behaviors that can range from suicidal tendencies to substance abuse. Instead of just surviving, Tamu opens up about how survivors can begin their journey to thriving. She then highlights the need for patience and that everyone’s journey is different. We ask Tamu about her work helping survivors who are still living with their abusers and she talks about building survivors’ sense of self-love. We explore how people end up in abusive relationships and then debunk the myth that it’s only people with low self-esteem that end up in these situations. We look at how abusers are often charming and how they slowly, imperceptibly, beat down their partners sense of self-worth. Tamu reflects on the stigma that surrounds being a survivor and how this stigma often silences survivors. As people land up in complex situations, we discuss some of the numerous reasons that survivors “don’t just leave.” At the end of the episode, Tamu shares a powerful and simple message. Tune in to hear more about the journey to restorative health.
'Tamu Lane LinkedIn
Harambe Phone Number — 609-225-6936
Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-TALK
Domestic Violence Hotline— 1-800-799-7233
Harambe Social Service on Facebook
EPISODE 07
[INTRODUCTION]
[0:00:04.5] RW: Welcome to this episode of We Hear You from Harambe Social Services in South Jersey. We Hear You is designed to give a voice to victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. This forum is for survivors and their allies to discuss issues that impact them and their families, as well to educate communities. In the comment segment, we will hear from survivors. They will tell us their stories and what they would like for us to know. As allies, we want to hear how we can support them.
[INTERVIEW]
[0:00:46.7] RW: Tamu, first of all, let me welcome you to We Hear You podcast. This is a weekly podcast highlighting the voices of victims of domestic violence and sexual assault and I would like you to introduce yourself because you are — have such a rich background of experiences. And in many areas. And I know you are also on a personal the journey and that, certainly, I’d like you to introduce yourself and share as much as you would like to share.
[0:01:25.3] TL: Okay. Well, my name is Tamu Lane, thank you so much for having me as a guest, it’s truly an honor. I’ve been in the field of domestic violence, sexual abuse for many years. And I would like to share, I got into the space mainly as being a survivor of domestic violence and a survivor of child sexual abuse. And so it just seemed, actually, trying to figure out what to do with my life, we just kind of seem natural that I serve those within its field.
I also, for many years, have done a lot of work around addiction — substance abuse because I’ve been clean from alcohol for about 25 years. So that, for me, is another piece of my life that I see very important in serving other people and helping them in the best ways as possible. I do a lot of work and do a lot of training around those issues, around mental illness. In the climate that we’re in today. I do a lot of work around racial equity, which, I’m glad, you know. It’s time that we start opening up our ears and our eyes and seeking to make some changes in the world.
Yeah, I do a lot of that stuff, I’m also a counselor where I provide counseling to survivors of domestic violence, sexual abuse, just serving others so to help them to heal. That’s a little bit about me and who I am.
[0:02:52.8] RW: There certainly is so much more and I know you’re being modest. But again, I can just tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to come on because I know you are a busy lady. One of the things that you have been working on and, I thought, you could bring your unique perspective around the issue of restorative feeling. Because we’re talking about really trying to get the ear of victims when we’re doing this program, that we would hope that victims and survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence are listening. And would provide, just touch on that so that they can have them better sense of what that’s about.
[0:03:45.7] TL: When I talk about restorative healing, I look at it as having the ability to restore one’s self through the process of, one, having the willingness to learn, to apply the necessary steps within our lives basically to get to the ultimate goal of healing. You know, it’s a process of taking the time to learn who we are, to forgive ourselves, and go through this whole thing — so that we can restore and be restored either back to that person of who we were or even just learning who we are. So that we can fully be healed and begin to live, you know?
Begin to live, whatever that may look like for survivors of whether we talk about my domestic violence, sexual abuse, all that is engrossed in that.
[0:04:38.5] RW: I’m sure you come across this and I do as well. Meeting people who say that they have been in a situation. If you ask them if they ever processed that in any way, have they ever received any counseling for that, very often, they say, “No they never did.” They just never went back. They can believe that that was enough, that they learned the lesson more or less, they decided that nearly coming out of the situation was enough. How would you speak to that?
[0:05:15.8] TL: Because I hear that a lot for people, and then I kind of kindly have them look at their lives, where they are and what’s happening, and a lot of times, it’s not going quite so well. You know what I mean? How they respond to people in their lives or how they responded themselves, I find that a lot of survivor have a lot of anger stored up within themselves, or they are using different — it doesn’t have to be drugs or alcohol, it could be food or they use in another way, it’s just to cope and to get through life and I begin to ask them, “I want you to look at those things when you say you left it back there, did you really leave that there?” If you really look at what’s happening in your life, can you really say that you are good.
You’re pleased, you’re satisfied with what, how you are flourishing right now. And many times, what I find, they tell me no. Because, in looking at their coping skills and what they’re doing, it’s still affecting them. But they don’t really connect until it’s brought out and put on the table. And they’re like, “Yeah. I do get pretty angry when this happens. I do explode, I do, do this. Okay, I see how I do cope and handle with this.” It’s like, you know, because I think a lot of times, survivors, when they get out, as you say, they’re just trying to survive.
For them, they got out, they don’t want to think about it and they’re just trying to survive not really looking at, they’re not really driving I guess, that’s the point, they’re just surviving. They’re not really thriving and I would love to be able to get help.
I feel like part of my purpose is helping individuals to thrive, not just survive. Because then, I don’t know that we know — we see the difference because for a long time, I just arrived, I wasn’t driving, I was just trying to figure out how to survive.
It’s good but you know, we want to be able to enjoy and be a whole lot of ourselves and a lot of survivors just aren’t being able to do that. Because they haven’t learned the skills to do that.
[0:07:26.1] RW: Can you talk a little bit more because I think this is where some of your story, could you talk some more about how your own healing helps you to help others.
[0:07:36.9] TL: Yeah. Not a problem. When I said, you know, I was surviving for a long time. I, being a survivor of child sexual abuse, started my addiction to alcohol because I started drinking when I was 10 years old. Because I was first raped when I was eight years old. That’s how I cope and I did not get clean until I was 21 years old, 20-21 I must have been 21. I got clean from alcohol. But I was in that domestic violence relationship at that time and didn’t leave out until I was 25. So when I left when I was 25, even though I left that relationship, barely with my life, I found other ways to cope.
So even though I said, “Okay, I left that behind,” and I thought I was good. Now, even though I wasn’t drinking, I picked up an eating disorder. So I picked up other habits to cope, so I was not thriving, I was surviving. Yes, because I no longer have to deal with that and I moved on but I still had the anger, I still had the pain, I still had the frustration, I still had all the other things. Sometimes it’s suicidal thoughts because all of that was just too much in my head, I’m still trying to work through the child sexual abuse and work through the DV — the domestic violence. So I picked up still more negative coping skills and no one taught me how to talk about it, how to release it, how to love myself, how to know that I had self-worth. And that I was worth more than what he told me. And all the other people that raped me years ago, told me.
I had to learn that. And it was a journey for me. I didn’t just wake up and leave the house and say, “Now, I was thriving.” It took me years to get to a place of thriving and to be whole. For me, it took a lot to do with my faith, my faith in god, it also took counseling. I ended up in a treatment center for an eating disorder.
It took those pieces and then years of just believing and trusting that I was worth it, you know, doing the work — and it was just a journey, a step-by-step journey and it was a slow process for me. One things I tell survivors a lot of the times, you want things to happen, we wanted to manifest itself quickly. And for some, it might happen but for a lot of us, it’s a process of patience.
One of the biggest things that I would tell a survivor, “We have to be patient, I had to be patient with myself. Many times, we have to be patient with ourselves because it does not happen overnight.” You know, up and down and I had a lot of anger issues as well. I tell us about it, I find that a lot sometimes, we’ll come out of a relationship, we’re so full of anger and we’ll take that anger into our new relationship, you know?
Sometimes we come to perpetrate it sort-of-speak. Because we’re so angry and we don’t know how to shift that anger that we wanted to take out on the one that abused us. But we were so fearful and controlled, we didn’t know how to shift that till we take it into a place where I might feel safe now. Because we know that they won’t attack us or they won’t harm us.
It was just a matter of working through all of those pieces so that I can get to a place of healing, being restored and being home, it’s very important to be able to get to a place and thrive and like I said, “I’m able to speak about it because I went through it.” so I understand the journey but also understand, our journeys are different. I would never act like I understand another person’s journey. But I can somewhat relate because I’ve been through that process and have empathy to understand that it can be done. But we just have to take our time and be patient with ourselves and not rush through the process.
It’s important for us to be restored back to wholeness and, like I said, if you never had it before, just be restored to wholeness so that you can live a thriving life, whatever that may look like for you. I was thankful that I was called to be able to serve others and provide counseling and to train and to teach. That’s not everybody’s area but that is what helped me to be able to continue to be whole and to help others. This is just my gift and them my area that I was called to do.
[0:12:07.2] RW: Well, you are our gift for — to the community because you do offer all of these things and, because, out of your own pain and suffering, that you were able then to come to terms and reason why you went through all of that. We are very often — not — we would have to go through something, especially at such a young, tender age of eight years old, to have that horrible experience. But yet, then now, who better to talk to someone who is — they’re feeling very much alone and feeling they’re the only one that might know something like this. You know, you clearly are that person that can help with that.
[0:12:52.6] TL: It’s an honor, it really is. You know, one of the things I tell people, you know, it’s like 360 — it’s like my life has come around in 360 mode because people would say, “If you could use it — if you can ask god for one thing to change your life and have it look different, would you?” No, I wouldn’t. They look at me sometimes like I’m crazy but I’m like, “I don’t know, I like who I am today. I love what I’ve been blessed to do. I love where I’m at and I don’t know that I would have the empathy, the knowledge, all the inside wisdom to do what I do if that didn’t happen.” Does anyone want that to happen? No, but the reality is it happened and now, what am I going to do with it?
[0:13:40.4] RW: Sometimes we’re fortunate enough to get — and I say fortunate because you know, some survivor’s victims — and just for our audience, we may do victims and some survivors. You’re hearing us use those two terms, I mean, sometimes use those terms interchangeably. But the fact is that they do hold different meanings. And for some people, there is, in terms of an identity, some people identify more as being a survivor than they would identify as a victim.
[0:14:21.5] TL: Yeah.
[0:14:23.3] RW: For that reason, that’s one of these as well. I tend to use the terms interchangeably, so you will hear that tonight — just a short definition of that. But we know that very often, survivors are living in their situation and not moving out of the situation, not able to, not ready to. However, that is, and they’re in this situation with this abuser. But they’re able to do the counseling. When that happens, you’ve had those situations, I know. When that happens, how can this restorative healing piece be embedded within the counseling for them?
[0:15:11.5] TL: For them, a lot of times, our focus is around their internal healing. When a survivor is still in a home, of course, we are always safety planning. You know, because we want to make sure as best as you can, be safe as best as you can. You know, because a lot of times, survivors for whatever reason, you know, can’t like you said, they can’t get out. They can’t leave. Sometimes some survivors will understand, you know, love is real. Folks have a hard time disconnecting — so I get that. I’ve had some survivors say to me, “I just wanted them to change,” you know? “I love him, he’s my children’s father,” or, “She’s my mother of my children,” you know, those different things.
First, you know, we always want to continue to safety plan, you know, in the best ways possible. To try to keep them as safe as much as possible. But, when we talk about restorative healing and being in that house and unable to leave, just helps them to learn what love is for themselves. Seeking to understand that because what I find that, if you can not so much focus on him or her, that’s the abuser, but if you can focus on them and their self-love and their self-worth, and if you can get them to a place of understanding who they are as an individual.
Eventually, they have learned — they have gotten to a place where they say, “I love myself enough to know that I don’t deserve to be in this.” Or, you know, if they’re able to move that way or that they know that they can’t easily get out, they still know that they are worth something, that they have self-worth. That they have self-love and no matter what he or she says to them, it’s not true. You know, to me, that’s still, even though they’re still in that household and still being abused, that still goes a long way for them because it also can change their mindset of maybe, I’ve come across some survivors, it’s — they have such lack of self-worth and self-hate for themselves — that, we know that some have tried to commit suicide, you know, try to take their lives, some have taken their lives.
But when they recognize that, “Wait a minute, this is not my fault, I didn’t cause this, I do deserve better, I do have self-worth.” Those thoughts tend to dissipate, you know? Sometimes because they begin to understand who they are, even though they’re still in the midst of that abuse that’s happening. They’re able to understand and connect with themselves and knowing that, “Wait, I didn’t cause this, I am not causing this. I am not the things that he or she says that I am.” It kind of, in some ways, I won’t say make the living there — not so much better because the abuse is happening. But just them, internally, of how they think about themselves, it helps to make it better. And how they see themselves. Because what we realize, how we see ourselves is a big deal. Regardless of what someone is doing to us, you know, treating us good or bad.
Because someone can treat us good — but if we have this horrible feeling about ourselves and how we think of ourselves, I don’t know that — you know what I mean, you can have someone in your life that treats you good but how do you think about yourself matters more than anything.
I think it’s even worth someone that is able to get out and come to counseling but still live in a new situation. If you can help them and just love themselves and just restore them internally back to good health feeling, so to speak, within themselves. To me that makes a world of difference for them.
[0:19:07.0] RW: That’s such a wonderful approach because we do know that very often, the initial and very strong and powerful tool that abusers use isolation.
[0:19:22.8] TL: Yes.
[0:19:24.1] RW: That very often is something that comes so insidious, and comes in very slowly, disguised as romance. And eventually, the person finds himself as a virtual prisoner without walls, because they are not allowed to see anyone else. You know, whether that's physical communication or just even, you know, just checking in with people and by text or phone and your text is checked and there is surveillance in the house.
There are all sorts of things going on. But with that type of isolation, then you are cut off from the truth about yourself. Hearing that one distorted view of who you are, this is how you’re being taught and reprogrammed, as it were.
[0:20:17.8] TL: Yup.
[0:20:19.7] RW: “You’re just this worthless thing. And this is why I treat you the way I treat you.” If you’re only hearing from that one perspective then you will, you know, without some way to counter-balance it, you could definitely begin to believe it.
[0:20:37.9] TL: Yeah, so imagine being in that situation and being restored and realizing, “No, this isn’t happening. No, no.” You know? Like, really owning and loving yourself and then being able to one day get out and really being free. You will not just be free from that house and free from under him but really — because you have learned how to love yourself, you have learned the tools to really be free and have self-love and now when you get out, it’s like, “F-”
You know that anger isn’t there — that you know what I mean? All of those things that you would, could normally a lot of times struggle with your self-worth, like, you’ve learned in the midst of all this mess how to deal and how to love yourself. So when you finally get out, it is like, for lack of a better way to say it, it just came in my mind, it is like the Mary Tyler Moore moment of New York City of growing up the ‘Hat and it’s like, “Now I am free” like not just really out of the house free but I am free.
[0:21:47.0] RW: It is really something. Well that is the title of your book isn’t it? Finally Free.
[0:21:52.8] TL: It is, I didn’t think about that but it is, yeah.
[0:21:56.9] RW: Well, what that really means in terms of freedom I mean, folks that are in situations, whether it be for six months or whether it be six years — total control when you are not, you can’t pick your own clothes, you can’t pick what you eat. You’re make-up, where you go, who you go with, when you come back. There’s any number of decisions that are taken from you. Yeah and you know it is not allowed to [Inaudible].
They’re not, of course, I know that there are books that are listing now — or I have certainly talked to the ones that say, “Yeah, oh no that is not going to happen to me. I think more of myself than that.” And this is a myth and you can speak to this a little bit. Some people believe that this happens because a person has low self-esteem. So therefore they’re malleable to being taken in by an individual such as this. But from my understanding and the experience where I’ve talked to people that is —
I mean there are cases where that happens but for the bigger portion of that, if people have an intact esteem when they meet the individual but overtime, they are beaten down. And they become so, again, brainwashed. That then they begin to believe. It is similar to a person being a prisoner of war and being put under that mental emotional torture overtime that they finally give in. They give into it and it didn’t mean that they started out that way.
[0:23:47.4] TL: It makes me upset when I hear people say that. You know, they make comments about survivors like they’re stupid, they’re this, how could they do this? And I’m like, “Really?” And then I kind of look at them like, “Do you know who you’re talking to?” When you say things like that you’re talking to a survivor so you know, be careful. But you know, I say to people, you know, “When we meet individuals for the most part, perpetrators do not have the blinking crazy warning sign on their head, right?” Because that would say crazy, crazy, crazy, like, you know?
[0:24:22.2] RW: You know they have their Prince Charming stuff for it.
[0:24:24.7] TL: Yes, looking sharp, talking sharp. So it is coming with all of those great things that people that we love to see happen, right? And we know for the most part it happens in a progressive way. You know it starts off like this, it starts off like that. And you know they could be kind and then doing a little something say, “Baby, I’m sorry. I apologize, I didn’t mean it. I am just frustrated about something today.” And you know because of the loving nature of who we are we’ll say; “That’s okay babe, I understand.”
And then it just continues and lingers and you know we fall in love and things happen and the next thing you know you are in something that you didn’t realize you were in. You realize you are in a relationship — you didn’t realize, and that’s why I tell folks anybody can end up in this kind of relationship. Anybody. I don’t care how strong you feel like your self-esteem is like you were saying. Anybody can find themselves in this type of relationship.
And like you said, what happens is overtime our self-worth, self-esteem does get beaten down. After you keep hearing something over and over and over or things being done to you and as we know, you know people say, “Well, why can’t she just leave.”
[0:25:48.8] RW: Oh that’s the magic question, isn’t it?
[0:25:51.7] TL: Because, you know, “I wouldn’t be in that — the first time he would do that to me or the first time he would” — and I would say, “Okay.” And all I could say to them is I hope that you never find yourself there. I hope that you never find yourself there, I really do because then you will learn why she just don’t leave. Or why he just don’t leave. You will find out. When I tell them, “I don’t want that to happen to you but you’ve got to be careful of how you speak about survivors and say you don’t understand how this happens.” Because it happens real easily. You know we have to be careful of how we judge our situation.
[0:26:28.3] RW: Absolutely, it is so much more complex. Why conversations like this are so important, ongoing conversations in lots of different places. Because, I think, one of the statistics is one in three women are victims of domestic violence. So at any given moment, you would have a possibility of three women, one of the three is a victim or has been a victim of domestic violence. But again, everyone, because of the stigma and shame that we put on that.
That type of victimization very often people are denying it. Or, “That wasn’t me,” or “I wouldn’t do it” and then they may very well, be going through it right then and there. They are adamant and then they voice so much opposition around it that you would never suspect if they actually are a victim.
[0:27:28.1] TL: Yeah, I had 10 years ago, I work with a soul, she is no longer here but she was a friend of mine. And when she had learned, many years ago, she had learned that I was in a devy relationship, and she said to me, she said, “Tuma, if I had known you then, I would have never been your friend. And I looked at her and I said, “Huh?” and I said her name but she is not here no more and I am not going to say her name but I said, “Huh?” and she said, “Yeah, I don’t get it. If you allowed yourself to be in that, I couldn’t have been your friend.”
And I said, “Wow” I said, “First you think I allowed myself to be in that and then, second, you are telling me as a friend that you wouldn’t have supported me. Not so much supported my relationship but supported me. And helping me and just being an ear and being a friend.” She was like, “I couldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have done it.” So, once again, that stigma, the way people think. And why would I think — and she wasn’t the only one to think like that. There’s many people who think like that.
So why would we share? Why would we speak out when we know or we got an inkling that yeah, “You’re not going to be really supportive of me anyhow.” I don’t know, we have this negative — I don’t get it. It is like this — we are survivors. We are the victim but yet we get the negative ‘why’ of people.
[0:28:55.1] RW: Yeah the victim is blamed in this case. Very much so — that you’re only situation is that you are choosing to be in that situation.
[0:29:04.5] TL: And nothing happens to him often too.
[0:29:08.4] RW: They can’t see that as a — I liken it again to that prisoner of war piece. That you are in, that you can only do what you’re allowed to do. And even with the — I’ve had, we’ve seen even, with some of the stories, that moralized by movies, where people sort of seemingly framed as, “why didn’t they run? Why didn’t they do this? Why didn’t they?” It is not that simple. It is not that simple and when you are in a home, you’re allowed to go to work. You go to work. You come back.
Your children, maybe, are being threatened, your parents might be being threatened. You are being told that if you do anything that your little brother is going to get hurt or your little sister, you don’t leave. No morals, no scruples. They will say or do anything. And of course, at this point you, have seen them do something so therefore you believe it. You should believe it because they are capable of one of those wretched things. So it is not that simple to leave, for sure.
And certainly, anybody could become a victim of this heinous crime and very often, you know you do not believe in terms of why you’re not able to leave. You know why you can’t leave right this minute. You know people that go, “Just get your stuff and go. Come on out, I will come and get you.” It is not that simple.
[0:30:50.3] TL: And you know it is funny, when I do a lot of training for the state, for some of their workers. And when they [Inaudible], because I teach about domestic violence and I say to them, I say, “Check this out, some of y'all, you know, you say ‘why don’t she just go’, just pack up and go.” I say, “Okay, we know some of the largest numbers of homelessness in between women and children, right?” They say, “Yeah” I said, “So you all will find that women and child either in their car or you find them settled in the street. What is going to happen?”
They said, “They’re coming to get their kids.” I said, exactly. So you think that this is just one thing. Actually I am just giving you one piece where you are involved as the worker. She picks up and leaves because you all tell her that she just needs to go. She needs to get out and pick up and leave. So now she got to worry about y'all coming to take her kids. They’re her kids. Really? I said that enables, they’re like, “Yeah, you’re right.” And that is just one piece of the puzzle.
[0:31:53.1] RW: That is one piece of the puzzle and we all know that because, even though there are systems in place to assist the victim, if the police come to the home and the child is there, the system victims so that a child is not removed. We know that’s up to interpretation in whatever county you’re in, am I correct? Merely the fact that the police officer came to your house and your child was at home, up in the bed, asleep, or wherever. But they were there, your child can be removed from the home and that is horrible. It is absolutely horrible and then yeah, we are talking 2020. So having a way to just easily rid yourself of these situations is not easy.
[0:32:46.4] TL: And we haven’t, as a society, we still haven’t gotten caught in there. We still have this bias against victims. And I don’t know what is going to get us there. You know, COVID-19, so did we know that domestic violence spiraled? But did we talk about that really in the beginning of the year? No, you see sports here and there and those were by DV organizations or people that do the work but no one wanted to really talk about it. Because once again, it is not important.
When we talk about all of these lives that were lost and DV spiking and child abuse spiking, we didn’t talked about it. We haven’t talked about it. Not on big worldwide news because once again, we just don’t really — it is not important.
[0:33:32.0] RW: It’s not important and again, the statements are still there and then so we just don’t talk about it and we want to continue then to perpetuate all of these stereotypes that we’ve had over several generations. In having some of the sameness to carry one. This is why so many women sit in silence. Because they don’t believe that anybody is going to listen and nobody is going to believe what their story is, why they are still there and in fact that those are at force they do not like to be beaten.
But the cause they’re being threatened or the children are being threatened — all because there is no way they can get affordable housing and move their children. If they move, they may have to move their children to a different school district. And all of the multitude of things that impact that decision — and trying to feel that you’re trying to make the best decision. And if it is just a matter of me being roughed up, then they sort of feel like, “Well, I can take it.”
And sadly, that is exactly how you do not survive and we know that. We knew that women, black women are three times more likely to be murdered in an intimate partner-situation than other populations. Not because we are in so much more violent homes or that our men are so much more violent but because they stayed and stayed and stayed and eventually, your number is up.
[0:35:20.4] TL: Yep, that blow to the head was just enough so that one particular time.
[0:35:26.0] RW: That one particular time and you know, that heavy shove that ends up knocking your head against a blunt object — and then — no, they didn’t intend that you were going to die. Death came anyway. So, this is happening every day.
[0:35:49.7] TL: It is.
[0:35:51.6] RW: So Tamu, as we are about to wind down and close out our session, I wanted to just remind those that may be listening that there is help for you — we do, at Harambe Social Services, offer counseling to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault that is charged at Harambe Social Services. And you can call us at 609-225-6936. You can give us a call and we will arrange for you to come in and have counseling. And that we will do everything within our power to maintain your confidentiality and your safety while you are coming for those services.
So with that Tamu, is there anything that you would like to add that you didn’t have a chance to add as we close?
[0:36:57.4] TL: I guess thank you for the opportunity to speak this evening and I just want to say, you know, whomever is listening that, once again, one thing I always tell survivors that are seeking to move forward, those that have gotten out and those that are trying to get out, or those that are just — they know that they’ll never leave. Or they are just trying to figure out how to live a little better while they’re in it, just know two words and that is — you matter.
You matter no matter what he or she says to you, no matter what he or she seeks to do to you, you matter. And I feel like when you really get to own that, you know things, will start to click in for you. Whatever that may look like for you. One of the things people will say to me, you know, I had people who’ve had a conversation to me and say, “Why don’t you just tell them to leave? I just want to tell them to just leave.” And once again, I say, “You know you’d better be careful with that because once again, where are they going to go? Where are they leaving to? You don’t know their situation, what are you judging?”
And when I say to them, “When you are telling them to just leave, can they come to your house? Now they can’t come to your house then you can’t tell them to just leave.” Sure, you’re not going to open up your door, open your mat, your cot, your floor, something.
[0:38:16.7] RW: And that’s another important saying that if you choose to call us, it doesn’t mean that you have to have left or you have to be leaving. You can be here in this situation but need somebody to talk to, you know just somebody that you know is going to understand what you are going through. We are not here to judge. Because we do understand how difficult it is for women or you to be in that situation. So it is not about that. It is about having somebody else to talk to.
And then have to leave your story and we’ll hear what you have to say. We do hear you and want to hear you. So again, please give us a call at 609-225-6936 and for those others, we wish that — we are so glad that you tuned in to this evening to our podcast. We hear you and we are hoping that you will tell somebody else about us. Tell somebody else that you heard us and tune in next week, where we will have another powerful guest. With that Tamu, we thank you again. Goodnight.
[0:39:35.3] TL: Goodnight.
[END OF INTERVIEW]
[0:39:37.3] RW: Thanks for joining We Hear You Podcast with our host, Rose Williams, from Harambe Social Services, a grassroots organization in South Jersey. Harambe is Swahili for “Pulling together in unity.” We use the principles of the Nguzo Saba in all of our services to educate communities about domestic violence and sexual assault. Our primary focus is to provide counseling services to victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.
If you or someone you know needs to talk to us, please call 609-225-6936. Again, that number is 609-225-6936. Our counseling services are free of charge. Be sure to follow Harambe Social Services on Instagram and Facebook. We would love to hear your feedback about tonight's focus. Tell a family member and friend about the show. You can help us get the word out. Go to buzzsprout.com to make a review. Thank you. Be safe. Be well.
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